Share 'I've Finally Identified the Jerk Who's Been Breaking Into My House - You'll Be Shocked to Find Out'

My family has been the victim of numerous break-ins over the years, and I've finally figured who's behind it all. It amazed me to learn the identity of this jerk, and I'm sure that it'll make you stop and think. Now, first of all I have to tell you about my father. I could regale you with the tales, but let it suffice that he is the very best man that I have ever had the privilege to know. So...